This is me

Ugh.  

I have ached and felt physically tired non-stop for nearly 7 weeks. I get sinus pains.  My ears are blocked/clicky/uncomfortable.  I feel really faint and dizzy a lot.  I get short of breath.  My brain doesn’t work so well - i get muddled/forget things/am slower at working than i should be.  

I am done with this.

Only i’m not.  Or rather, it’s not done with me.  The doctors don’t know what it is, and when i turned up to the hospital, a bomb scare meant my appointment was cancelled (stupid bomb scares).  That broke my heart a little bit, because after 6 weeks of crap, i thought it was going to start to change for the better. 

I am exhausted at the end of every day. 

I am exhausted at the start of every day.

I want to cry at least once every day.

And i don’t know what it is.  There’s no name.  No rationale.  No cure.  No ways to best manage it.  Just life.  Carry on as normal.  Or at least try to.  I’m trying to.  But it’s hard.  And i’m struggling.  

But i’m not really ‘ill’.  Not in the ‘take time off work and rest’ kind of way.  At the start i thought i was, i had days off…i guess i’ve just got used to it now.  The last dr said that i should be able to carry on as normal.  So that’s what i’m trying.  It’s become so emotional now though, as well as physical.  I feel emotionally exhausted with it all. 

 I have days when i feel fine (fine atm means a ‘normal’ amount of achey and tired.  I’ve not actually felt real fine through it all), or even hours.  But it can all change in a minute.  And i can function, but at its’ worst, i feel like it takes all my energy to just do that.

I feel like i’m making something out of nothing.  

But right now, this ‘nothing’ feels like it’s trying to destroy me.